im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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