if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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