Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
