I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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