The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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