Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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