i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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