the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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