I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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