I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
