so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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