dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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