dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
