Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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