Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
