I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
