i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
