We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
