That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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