Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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