dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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