were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
