Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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