I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
