i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My dick has a subreddit
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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