Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
