"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
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did i walk over a car last night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
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So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea