I think I died a long time ago.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.