Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
