Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Randomize
