you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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