wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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