he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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