who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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