Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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