mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
