so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
