new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
