where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
