On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
