I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think my moral compass just broke
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
