I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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