Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
