my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
