You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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