I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
