wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My life is pants optional.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
