yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
