Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I need to align my fucking chakras
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
