So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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