I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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