He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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