the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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