i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
