What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize