ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
