I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
