Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
