i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
