He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
