someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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