Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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