I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
