why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
