I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
